Friday, May 22, 2015

Overcoming My Fear of Getting Married!!!

0 Apples
During my youngster day, I have never thought of getting married at an early age. Whenever my friends brought up this matter, I will be the one who always avoid such discussion. I always told my close friends that I don't have any plan on getting married so soon and I told them I will only get married at the age of 28 years old (This statement had been repeatedly told whenever people asked when I'm getting married).

I admitted that I've been through breakups (a few times), be heartbroken, fall into million pieces and many more relationship stages. At one point, I'm giving up with relationship because I'm freaking tired to go through all steps after one breakup to another new relationship again and again. The ice breaking stage, then fall deeply in love, the hurdles part and more. Oh boy, it's very tiring and exhausting. 

But until early last year I started to be so sure that I wanted to get married, and the longer I dated Ridhwan, the more sure I was that he was the right one for me. Then last year on 9 Aug 2014, we got engaged.

Ridhwan's proposal wasn't a surprise. I was too nosey to not know it was happening, and I enthusiastically said yes the moment he asked. However, once it happened (in a sweet and thoughtful way, I should add), I began to feel these nagging questions eating away at me: 
Did I really want to be married? 
Would we be any good at it? 
Could I handle all the house chores? 
Could I be a devoted wife (I'm a very hardworking woman and I would say my career is my top priority and I still want to work even after we got married - I told this to Ridhwan too)? 
My major concern is my family. Can he accept and love my family they way I do?
This questions keep on playing on my mind like all the time. 

Are these mixed feelings just a wedding jitter or perhaps I'm just nervous of getting married and becoming someone's wife and no more mama/baba's little girl. Being someone's boyfriend/girlfriend based relationship is totally different compare being a husband/wife. When you are married, you hold a huge responsibilities. You have to hold onto each other through thick and thin, during good bad times and always be there to support each other.

The fact that I'm just a human with flaws, I don't want to be a perfect wife or having a perfect marriage. Maybe all I need is just love, trust and toleration between us (the list might go on perhaps!) To be honest, I am scared. I just want everything to be just fine. I still hope that the sparks still there after many years of marriage or when I'm old or when I'm fat and ugly. 

With only 70 days left until we tied the knot, I just hope that everything will be just fine and I hope I am ready to start my life and open my new book with the one that l choose to be my husband. What happen next after we get married, I still don't know and I don't have the answer. We will just see then and pray for our smooth sailing. In shaa Allah. 

Aliah Syazwani binti Ibrahim 🌸